Penis Shaming (A Guest Article Written by Kim Jong-Un)

Hello dear readers.

For today’s discussion I took an issue that has been at the forefront of the media’s focus, Penis Shaming. I asked my good friend Kim Jong-Un to share some of his thoughts he shared with me during a discussion about said topic, while watching his armed guards beat each other with shovels.

-Greg

 

Penis Shaming and You

Thanks to the invention of the internet (which, after reading this article, you’ll understand why I banned it in my country) the tiniest voices are being heard – and we are FED UP!  Your country, filled with greed-hungry capitalists and more whole food parking lots than we have Real Estate, have been shoving this CRAP about bullying and fat sensitivity down the collective gullets of the sensationalist media.  All the while the REAL problem lies just below the belt – Penis Shaming.

Look, we get it.  Bullying is terrible.  There is nothing about the face of an innocent child that says “you should probably smack me with a two-by-four,” unless of course they were 3 minutes late to Pageantry practice. And though my physique, passed down from my benevolant genetics, are impeccable – I understand too that those who have a thyroid issue may not appreciate being treated differently for their size.  I don’t know why a thyroid makes you eat only the skin off the fried chicken, but I digress.

The point is, Shaming is real – and America should be Shamed for Shaming the most defenseless of all victims, the micro-phallus.  Sure, someone can’t change the color of their skin or sexual orientation, yet we can openly mock politicians and sports stars who are genital minorities?

Some of the most powerful men in history have had tiny dicks.  This may come as a shock to many of you, but mine is quite small indeed, despite my despotic good looks and otherwise impeccable genes.  As Lady Gaga would say, Baby I Was Born This Way.  I was born as an asshole with a tiny dick – but it’s the asshole on the inside causing all the problems, not the tiny dick outside.

I can’t help my penis being tiny, no more than your politicians can stop it from getting caught in things.  Cultures with the smallest penises have been slaving away for generations for natural male enhancement.  I can, however, impart with you the image of a struggling dictator, calloused in his gaze from watching his people suffer from his palace, and say we aren’t bad guys – we just have tiny dicks.

Kim Jon-Un

Tiniest penis in the world

(If this piece of satire has offended you in any way, I apologize. It isn’t  your fault – you were just born that way.)